Chuck vs the Journal
by Arathorn73
Summary: Chuck is required to keep a journal for analysis by the government. Will follow the timeline/storyline of the show as much as possible. Updated daily. Not plot-driven but introspection-driven.
1. Dec 1

So, the shrinks at the NSA and CIA decided that I needed to keep a journal. They're worried about my mental sanity, with the Intersect and all the issues with Jill popping back up and trying to kill me. I have to write at least 500 words in here every day for a month. Sigh. I've never kept a journal before but that seems like a lot of words.

Anyway, I'm starting on the first of December, so I'll know when I can stop. I just don't know what I'm going to talk about every day. I know they'll be reading this and looking for things that indicate I'm crazy or dangerous or something. Heck, for all I know, they're looking for reasons to put me in a bunker or change my handlers.

Well, that's not going to happen. I'm just going to talk about boring things. We'll start with sandwiches. My favorite is, of course, a good Rueben. Ahh … the sandwich of kings. It's clearly the one I'd take stranded on a desert island. Need a lot of good drinks with it, of course, but that's what makes a sandwich good.

That's not even 200 words. This is going to be harder than I thought. Well, since I'm on sandwiches, let's think about everybody else and see what kind of sandwich they would want. Ellie, obviously, would choose a nice ham and feta cheese, with sprouts, lettuce, cheese, and a bit of Dijon. She's always been into those kinds of girly sandwiches.

Captain Awesome? What would he want? Of course, something awesome. But what would he define as awesome? It'd probably be something I'd never expect – fried bananas and peanut butter or something like that.

Morgan? Well, he'd obviously pick meatloaf. At least, given a reasonable meatloaf. He's told me that for years.

Jeff? Can you make a beer sandwich? I guess if he has all the beer he can drink, he wouldn't care. Just bread. Or he'd put the grain to a very different purpose. Not that he'd survive on a desert island anyway.

Lester? He'd make it. He'd probably pick something very healthy – try to hit all the food groups. But it would be something weird. Liverwurst, lettuce, tomato, and brie or something. Oh, and onions. Definitely onions. It seems like he puts onions on everything. At least on a desert island, I wouldn't need to keep buying him gum and mints.

Anna? Oh, that's a hard one. She likes seafood so much. What kind of seafood would you put on a sandwich? Either crab or lobster, probably. I'll have to ask Morgan which she prefers. She'll probably answer crabs, just for effect, if I ask – she loves to tease like that. But Morgan probably knows.

I'll talk to him about that tomorrow. He loves to talk sandwiches. I just hope no mission or flashes or any other national emergency interrupts us. Hard to make a sandwich out of that kind of stuff.


	2. Dec 2

I can't believe I had to miss Ellie's taste-testing for her wedding with the Awesomes. She was so looking forward to making a good impression and having me there. I wanted to be, but work literally had me chained down. Now there's a statement I never thought I'd make.

I would have liked to have spent longer with the Awesomes. I know I'm not really going to be part of their family, but Ellie and I have been all the family each other has had for so long, it'll be weird to share her not just with the Captain but with them, too. I know she'll be fine, but it makes me wonder what else is going to be changing soon.

But that won't be the only family around. I promised Ellie I'd find Dad. I'm not quite sure how I'm going to do that. I mean, I have a phone number, but it's really old now. How old? Sheesh, probably 15 years. That's a long time. But I now have access to incredibly powerful machinery and a whole host of intelligence.

I will figure it out. I'll do it for Ellie. She deserves more. She deserves a better brother. But most of all, she deserves a real family. If she wants Dad to walk her down the aisle, I'll find him. I kinda thought maybe I would do that, but, then again, I'm also probably going to be standing up for Awesome that day. I guess I'm getting pulled thin then, too.

On to other things, being chained at work was not fun. But I have to admit to a certain pleasure in being able to get myself free. Yeah, it took me hours and I should never have gotten locked up in the first place, but at least I did it. I was so impressed with myself for making the string to get the phone. I never would've guessed I'd be left there, even after making a call.

But that MacGyver moment – freezing the metal on the chain so I could break it and get out? I wish someone had been there to see that moment. I can't even really tell anyone. Casey would just laugh at me that it took so long. Anybody else probably shouldn't be told. One of my finer moments and it's just for me.

That's happening a lot lately. It would be so nice to be able to crow about things. But to whom? Either they're not trusted to hear what's happened or they're a superspy who would never be impressed by my meager attempts in their field. I'm not sure I really belong in either world.

Anyway, I guess we could call it another successful mission. I'm almost certain I even heard Casey say "Thank you" at the end of the mission. I guess maybe, just maybe, he's not quite as angry all the time as he lets on. There might actually be feelings inside that man, after all. Maybe.


	3. Dec 3

I have to write another 500 words today? It seemed like when I was in school, I could write five hundred words between classes – it was just something to do. But it's been a long time since I've really sat down and written. Except computer code, but that's hardly the same thing.

I don't know what they expect to learn about me from this. I mean, I'm just going to write about whatever comes to mind that I think won't get people in trouble. I mean, I'm not going to write anything too personal about anybody. I'm just not sure what I should write about.

Work today was boring. All the installs were way too easy. I just went in, installed Windows, set up a firewall, and left. Or put the TV up on the wall and connected a few cables. It's all so easy. I don't know why people can't do them on their own.

I miss the days of interesting linux dual-boot installs or slammer worm corrections. The virus writers have gotten lazy and boring. Spam is the worst problem I face, but there's little I can do about it. Nobody likes a white-list solution, so I just help them set up their filters best I can. Nobody really is interested in solving the problem. They just want to minimize its impact on them.

Data recovery is something else I do that used to be more difficult. The modern systems just make it so easy. Everything at Buy More is easy. I wish it could be interesting and challenging. At the same time, it's nice to have something I'm good at doing. With everything else going in my life, retreating into the boring, trivial world of computer repair sometimes feels nice.

But a day like today just dragged on and on and on and on. Installs, ridiculous traffic, sitting at the desk – it took forever and it never really accomplished anything. Nothing there ever really seems to change. Assistant anagers come and go. Customers come and go. But nothing ever changes.

For a while, I loved that nothing changed. Now, again, it provides a sort of comfort, I guess, but some days take forever. I mean, Ellie and Awesome are out there saving lives. They never have to wonder if they're making a difference. And Morgan, well, he doesn't seem to care whether he makes a difference. As long as he gets sandwiches and plenty of time to play, he's happy. That's a wonderful life, I guess, but I don't think it's the life for me.

That's probably why my five-year plan never worked out so well. If you're exactly sure where you're trying to get to, planning out the route is impossible. Of course, now everything has changed. If I thought I was confused before, that threw another huge wrench into the works. Now, it seems like some things are just in an endless holding pattern. And other things just move too fast for me.


	4. Dec 4

I don't know how I am supposed to keep calling this a journal. I looked up journal's definition today. It says "a record of experiences, ideas, or reflections kept regularly for private use". Private use. As in for my eyes only. As in for me. But it's not for me. I'm not writing a journal for myself. That might be valuable. No, this is like everything else in my life right now, exposed for lots of other people to see.

I never have time to myself. I never have space to myself. Wherever I go or whatever I do, there's a camera, a microphone and heaven only knows what else. I have a homing device in my watch, which I am told to wear at all times. I didn't wear it one time and I got chewed out for 40 solid minutes. Granted, I should have had it, but doesn't anybody understand that I need some space and privacy?

It's not that I have anything to hide. It's not like I want to go off and do evil things or torture puppies. I just want to have time to relax and be by myself. Or be with my family and friends without wondering who's watching and what they're thinking of what I'm doing or saying.

And, now, it's not enough that my every move and every word is recorded. No. Now, you guys in the government are trying to capture my thoughts, too. It's too much. I need some space, some time, to myself. A place for my own thoughts. A time to fully relax and decompress. It's not about missing missions – it's about letting me be myself, at least occasionally between missions.

It's not like I asked for any of this. I'm not Casey who joined up for the greater good. I didn't decide, one day, that I was going to be an agent and give up myself for the greater good. It was thrust upon me. I'd like to think I'm a good guy and have done my share in helping make the world a better place. But it's not fair to ask me – no, force me – to lose myself in the process.

Heck, even most agents have more time and freedom than I do. Sure, their lives are in constant flux and they may have to leave at any time for some new assignment. Their lives are in danger all the time. But, the same things are true for me. I have all the same dangers, all the same liabilities and questions. At least agents can be by themselves, get a night off, spend time not watched. They can even go someplace and not be followed or tracked every second of every day of every week of every month of every year. It really wears on me.

I just want some time away. It's like being in jail, only worse. Or better, because I do get to spend time with Morgan and Ellie.


	5. Dec 5

I decided today, in a moment of extreme boredom, that I might as well write in here what I'm thinking and feeling. Heck, I might get some free professional counseling. And if I keep just writing mindless drivel, that might indicate emotional immaturity or something. It seems like I'm damned whatever I do. So I might as well just write what I'm thinking, because it will go faster that way.

I guess part of the reason the government wants me to do this is that they're worried about this whole mess with Jill. I can't say I blame them. I still don't know how I should feel about it. I mean, I know she's Fulcrum and she used me. But sometimes I wonder if she's as trapped as I am. Did she ask to be Fulcrum? I certainly didn't ask to be who I am. And I find myself doing things I never thought I would do.

At the same time, she almost did the unforgivable. She probably would have killed me, too. Whether or not she started out on the right foot, she lost herself on the way – or the person I thought I knew at Stanford. I better never get myself to the point where I've lost myself that much.

At least she's safely behind bars now. Safer for me anyway. I just don't understand why she continues to affect me the way she does. Even after I found out she was Fulcrum, I wanted to believe that she cared for me. Was it a relationship thing? Or was it me just hoping that a spy could maintain some of her own life? That even a Fulcrum agent wouldn't have to be completely consumed by what she does?

I just don't know. I do know that I'm glad she's gone. And that chapter in my life feels more closed and complete than it ever did before. I spent over five years trying to get over Jill the first time. And I'm not sure I ever really succeeded. This time, though, I feel completely over her. I broke up with her, for reasons I understand. And I have no intention of looking back.

Though, as I am looking back, I remember Lou. She was a better fit for me than Jill was. But that time, my being a spy got in the way. Can a spy have a normal relationship? Can I? Then again, what is normal? I used to think I knew. But now, I just don't know.

I know that this doesn't feel normal. I guess it's not supposed to. But, in some ways, it feels right. I suppose anything can feel normal if you do it long enough. That probably was Jill's problem. Did she ever think about whether her changing normal was good or right? Do I?

I guess maybe that's the point of this. To make me ask those kinds of questions. Man, I really hate it when the CIA/NSA people are right.


	6. Dec 6

It was nice to have an afternoon off with Morgan today. We were able to just sit around and play video games for the first time in what feels like forever. What's interesting to me is that my tastes have changed in the last year. I used to love all sorts of first-person shooter games – Call of Duty, Doom, Assassin's Creed and the like. But now, I find that those are scarier and not as much fun.

So, yesterday, Morgan and I played a bunch of weird games, games I wasn't sure I'd play before. We played a ton of Rock Band (not the best music, but the feeling of immersion of being a rock star is loads of fun), Mario Kart, Super Smash Brothers, and other games that we used to laugh at other people for playing. But, darn it, they're fun and we laughed and played and played. I've missed that kind of interaction.

We also talked about our annual Child's Play donation. It's so hard to find money to do those kinds of things. I want to be able to give more, but my salary doesn't really allow for that. We each decided to give $20 each. It's not a lot, but every little bit helps. We gamers have to look out for each other and do our best.

As much fun as the games were, I think I enjoyed the time with Morgan more. So often, it seems time with him gets lost in other places – sleeping, working, working my other job. He's covered for me so many times I've lost count. I wish there was something more I could do to show him how much I appreciate his friendship.

I guess thinking about Child's Play and Penny Arcade and how much money Gabe and Tycho have made. Why don't Morgan and I do that kind of thing? I mean, other than the fact that we can't draw and aren't funny. Why haven't we found some niche to exploit and make our fortune? I've got a degree from Stanford now, for crying out loud. And yet I'm stuck at Buy More.

What about Morgan? He wouldn't want to leave the store. At the very least, he'd want to follow me wherever I went. I want to be there for him and do something with him, but his vision can be small. And mine seems to be growing. But I owe him. I owe him big-time.

He's always been there for me. After the whole Stanford mess, he and Ellie were the only ones that I felt like I could really rely on. I can still rely on them. But I'm not sure they can rely on me anymore. I hate having to lie to them. I wish I could do more for them. I know it keeps them safe. Putting myself in danger to protect them is a way to define care and concern. I just wish I didn't have to lie to them.


	7. Dec 7

A funny thing happened at work today. It was Sunday afternoon, which is typically a slow time around the electronics department. We have to keep the TVs on football, regardless of what we want. Few guys are really out during games, but they sometimes get dragged along and want something to divert their attention from how bored they are and how much money they're going to spend. Football seems to work better than nearly anything else.

Anyway, most of the mean around the electronics department are not really there to buy. So, when a customer actually comes in looking to buy electronics, the competition for him can be fierce, well, unless Morgan is the only one working (and I use that term in the loosest possible sense). When a very effeminate man walked in to buy a TV, the green shirts were all over him.

Since the guy was obviously flaming, wearing pink and having wrists liked overcooked spaghetti, they were all trying to appeal to his base personality. Understand, these guys couldn't flirt with a pretty girl if she was literally wearing a come-hither sign. But, somehow, with a guy, they weren't so threatened.

So, three different guys were schmoozing this guy, changing TV stations to chick flicks, flirting him up, and trying to outdo each other. One guy would accidentally brush up against him, another would look his lips suggestively, and a third would be almost posing.

The guy looked at a bunch of different TVs, playing them one off the other, trying to see who would offer him the best deal – though what kind of deal he was seeking was never clear. Most of the time, it seemed like he was interested, but I had nothing to do but watch him. When it seemed nobody was watching, he would shudder and shake his head.

He finally bought a 40-inch plasma, which normally costs twelve hundred bucks. He acted upset that nobody would actually go on a date with him. But the guys had become desperate for a sale. He paid nine-fifty for that TV.

What really cracked me up was seeing a woman waiting for him by the exit. She was wearing the biggest smile and gave him quite a kiss. I have no idea what weird series of events led up to the events of this afternoon, but she obviously thought it was just hilarious.

The only thing I can figure is that they either knew what would happen or they had the weirdest relationship I've ever seen. And I've seen Morgan trying to date, so I've seen a bunch of really weird things that I never would have thought I'd see.

What would make a guy act like that? Why would she ask him to do that? Would I go through such weird contortions to save a couple hundred bucks? Or did he think it was funny, too? I doubt it reads as funny as it was in person, but it was quite hilarious.


	8. Dec 8

Christmas is coming up fast. I think Christmas presents should be a pretty innocuous subject to fill up my five hundred words for today. It's getting harder to write all the time, though.

I'm actually very excited about my present for Ellie. It's not something she's asked for, but it's something I know she needs and wants. She was complaining at Thanksgiving about not having good enough knives, not sharp enough knives. I happen to know that the set she is using was pretty expensive and nice, when it was new. It's just that the knives have gotten dull. I found a great deal on a whetstone and sharpening kit. I'm really excited about giving it to her, because I know it's something she really wants (and it didn't cost me too much).

Captain Awesome is much harder to buy for. What do you get for a guy who's just awesome? And who uses exercise as a release? What do I know about that? Anyway, last year's water bottle gets used, so it's not like he's a jerk about it. But I'd like to get him something as awesome as he is. Just, I have no idea what they would be. I'd like to get him something fun. Maybe one of those complicated Rubik's Cubes would be good.

Speaking of tough presents, there's Morgan. What can I get him? He just seems to find a way to have everything he needs/wants. I just can't personally use the same methods that he uses. But with games, movies, and most accessories off the list, nearly all cheap options are gone. I'd be happy to provide him with a promise of more frequent gaming or an all-day frag-a-thon, but I can't do that. I don't know if I'll be able to follow through, though. I wonder if he'd be interested in a game without shiny lights to distract him – try Settlers of Catan or something? That's pretty expensive, though. I guess I still have time to think about it.

Do I have to get the rest of the Buy More crew anything? I try to every year and, while they act surprised and like it's weird, I know they're all pretty pleased about getting something. It's just getting harder and harder to find things, in budget, that work. It's definitely the thought that counts. Last year, I got 'em all a single iPod download, which proved immensely popular. Maybe I'll get 'em each a "Confused" wristband, to express their individuality.

Do I need to get Casey something? If so, I guess I could maybe find a shammy for him. I shouldn't be influenced by spam, but seeing all those messages has put the thought into my mind. Since the only thing he seems to care about is his Crown Victoria (version IV), at least it wouldn't be too inappropriate. I could probably get him nothing, but I think even a guy like Casey could appreciate getting a Christmas present.


	9. Dec 9

Morgan may be moving in with Anna. I have no idea what to think about that. On the one hand, I think it's very cool that Morgan has found someone with whom he is so compatible. I'm very happy for my little buddy – it may not be true love and it's certainly not a relationship I remotely understand – but it is a real relationship. They both seem to find something in each other that fills a void.

But, really, Morgan? Just moving out is a huge step for him. He tried it a few years ago – like 3 or so. It was a total disaster. He just didn't have the maturity necessary to stay on top of keeping himself fed, let alone to pay bills. No electricity, no running water – he didn't even pay his rent. His mother bailed him out of that mess, and he's been on his own budget-wise since then, but…. I wonder if he's finally learned some restraint.

I wonder if Anna is the person to teach him that. She's such an enigma. In one moment, she seems like she's a hyperactive preteen and the next she's able to discuss Jungian psychology (from Xenosaga). Then she'll be complaining about politics, while cheering on Morgan while he plays Mystery Crisper. Maybe she will be able to provide him the grounding and the discipline he's always needed. Or maybe not.

I still think Morgan has this idyllic view of life. I believe he'd be happy camping out in the Buy More theatre room all his life. It has no privacy, no direction, no future, but it has a huge TV and provides a certain level of comfort. That and some random games (which are in abundant supply around the Buy More) would seem to fulfill most of his aspirations in life. Unless he's finally growing up.

If he's growing up, though, what's my excuse not to? I mean, I've always been the one who's been the more mature and capable of the twin titans of terror (as we were once affectionately and then not-so-affectionately known). I have to see him moving on and growing up when I'm stick in limbo – part of which is my fault and part isn't. I want to move on and start maturing again, myself, but I don't know quite how to do that at this point.

I guess Morgan probably doesn't either. Here he is, looking at taking a huge step, and he can't make himself do it. Well, not immediately, though that DeLorean would tempt any man-child, not just Morgan. I can believe he would blow Awesome's money on something like that, or mine, but I wasn't sure he would do that to Anna.

And that brings up another problem with following in Morgan's footsteps. (Did I really just say that? And mean something good by it? Weird.) I can't afford a place of my own. I couldn't even get a tiny flat for what I make.


	10. Dec 10

Oh, man, I am so tired. I had to work an open to close shift at Buy More to make up for the time I've been missing. Then, we had a mission, which lasted past midnight. And I'd promised Morgan we'd get together for some World of Warcraft. He wasn't tired, but I sure was.

And, now, when I should be sleeping, I'm up writing in this stupid journal. I would just wait until tomorrow, but I'm sure the CIA or NSA or FBI or somebody has some way of determining just how old the ink is and they'll know that I did it the wrong day (even though I guess it's technically already tomorrow). Then they'd probably just make me do it again. Or put me in a bunker.

I'm tired of being pulled like a puppet. I never get any real say in what's happening to me, in the present or in the future. This limbo is starting to get to me. I've never been big on my five-year plan, but when I was making those, I at least had the illusion of having some control over my future.

Boy, I bet the psych guys are going to have a field day with that one. But I'm too tired and want to go to sleep too much to go back and delete it and write something else. I can't imagine that expressing some desire for control over the future will get me into trouble. I would hope not anyway. Though I never was really good at the psych courses.

Anyway, where was I? Oh, my five-year plan. Yeah, I'm struggling with that, considering how often I put my life in danger. It seems more like I should have a fifteen-minute plan, and even that seems constantly in flux. Way back when, my life was in order, or at least I thought it was. It never was, of course. Now, it seems even more chaotic than ever. But it's not as bad as I thought it might be.

I'd still kind of like to know where I'm going to be in a year, or three, or five. This Buy More stint is fun, but it's so much less than I sometimes think and dream my life could be. Not that the spy life is really for me, either. The lying and the possibility of leaving behind all my friends and family and everything is just too much. I mean, I see how much value they provide and I'm glad we have the CIA and NSA around, but it's not exactly how I see myself spending the next few years of my life.

Man, I'm tired. Five hundred words never seemed like so many. I just want to go to bed and sleep. Thing is, I know I have to work again tomorrow. Hopefully, I can go a few days without any flashes, so I can catch up on sleep and things that need doing other than being a spy.


	11. Dec 11

Today was another long day of working at Buy More. And then I'd promised Ellie that Sarah would come by and we'd watch a movie as a double-date this evening. Ellie's always trying to look out for me. And for Sarah. And for the me-and-Sarah relationship. It's very sweet.

When Sarah got to our place, she looked so fresh and awake. How does she do that? With a brutally late night last night, working a full shift, and a ton of reports (I'm sure), she should be totally exhausted, like I am. But she smiled and glowed like she had all the energy in the world – like she'd been looking forward to the fake date all day. Yeah, she was as fresh as a daisy. But me? Even with her coming, I was really fighting the mental cobwebs. I'm just so tired and out-of-it.

We watched … I have no idea what movie played. I was so totally lost in Sarah again. We were on the couch, snuggling together. Except the couch isn't really quite wide enough for us both to fit, so I generally help hold her up. That means my arm's around her waist, touching her, pulling her tight against me, for the whole movie. It means I can feel every reaction, every laugh, every flinch, every wince.

It also means her hair is right by my face. Her hair is more interesting to watch than the movie. It also smells so wonderful. I don't know what kind of shampoo she uses. Or if it's perfume or hairspray or what. But I know that it smells wonderful. It fills my nose and fills my mind.

And then she'd laugh at something in the movie. And touch took over. Because I could feel her whole body pressed up against mine. It sent shivers through me. My chest, my arm, my hand, my legs. They all reacted to her when she reacted to the movie. And then I tried to drag my attention back to the movie. But I failed, time and again. Like so often, all I could think about was Sarah.

What am I supposed to do about Sarah? I know it's supposed to be just a cover relationship. But Ellie and Awesome believe it's real. Morgan believes. Heck, I think sometimes Casey thinks it's real. Bryce believed it was real. Jack believed it. I want to believe it's real. I want it to be real.

Or do I? I don't want to lose my friendship with Sarah. I don't want to force something that isn't really there. Or that might develop into something which will drive us apart. Are we strong enough to have a real relationship? What would it mean?

There are times when I swear Sarah wants us to have a real relationship, too. Times when she shows up at the Buy More for no mission reason, no cover reason, but just to check on me and see how I'm doing. And times when she'll reach out and grab my hand, when it can't be for cover, because no one is around or watching.

Or am I reading it wrong? Is it just a friendship for her? As lonely as my life sometimes is, hers has to be much worse. Granted, I can't tell Ellie or Morgan everything, but I can really talk to them. I can tell them a lot of what I'm feeling and wondering, in many parts of my life. Sarah doesn't have anyone like that. Well, she has me, but she's understandably reluctant to just talk. I wonder how long it's been since she's had a true friend that she could depend on. I wonder if she's ever had somebody she could trust.

She can trust me. I would never betray her. Haven't I proven that to her enough? Haven't I shown her that I would never knowingly hurt her? Or have I screwed up and hurt her already? I hope not. If I could really believe that our relationship were real, truly believe that we had a future instead of just a present, I would prove to her everyday how much she means to me.

But she's a CIA agent. I'm just an asset to her – or so she has said. Other people have told me that she cares about me. LOTS of people. But are they really seeing her (the real person) or is she just the consummate actress? She seems to be able to fool anyone around her into believing that her feelings are genuine. Has she just fooled them all? Or us all, I guess, since I so want to believe that my hunch that her feelings are real is true.

There are times when I feel like I'm so close to penetrating that mask, so close to knowing what really drives her, to knowing the person behind the agent, the person beneath the beauty. And then there are times when I feel like I don't know her at all. Times when she pushes me away as though I'm a pariah. I want to think that's her defense mechanism, but it's just as likely that she's simply not interested.

I wish I wasn't so interested. I've been interested since I first saw her. It's not just her drop-dead gorgeous looks (that's an entry all to itself), but it's her ready wit, her sense of humor, and her smile. She really is my dream girl in so many ways. Or acts it well enough that I can't tell the difference. But this being so close and yet so far away is driving me crazy. I sometimes think that I'd be better off not knowing what I'm missing.

But then again, I can't be mad or upset that she's come into my life. Everything is so much more real with her around. I feel so much more alive when we're together, even if it's just eating a cover lunch together at the Orange Orange. I look forward to our time together. It even makes missions tolerable. Or more than tolerable. What would I do without her?

I don't want to think about that. I know she's in a dangerous job. I know she'd willingly sacrifice her life for mine. And that scares the bejeezus out of me. Cause I'd sacrifice my life for hers. If it weren't for the intersect, everybody would agree that's a good trade. But I don't want either of us to die. I want us to both live. Together.

That doesn't even get into the whole reassignment/locked-in-a-bunker problem. As much as I love Morgan and Ellie, they're no longer enough. If Sarah left, I'd be in huge trouble – it took me five years to get over my last relationship. I'm not sure if/how I'd ever get over this one, even if it's not real. Moving to a bunker would mean leaving everybody behind. I can't imagine how I'd react to such a situation, but I can't imagine how I would survive. No Ellie. No Morgan. No Sarah. It'd be too much.

Well, I suppose that's at least 500 words. Time to go to bed. And then see what tomorrow brings.


	12. Dec 12

Oh, my entire body aches. I hate being sick. I know it's just a fever and chills and such, but it really made for a miserable day.

Part of it is that I can't believe what I did in my journal yesterday. All day, I've just been in bed, with not much to do but think about what I wrote. And wonder what it might mean for me. And for Sarah. In a way, it feels really good, because I no longer have to try to keep secrets. I've never been too good at doing that. But I dread what the reaction is going to be. I didn't say anything that wasn't true. And it's probably stuff most shrinks have heard before. I still don't feel like it's anybody's business. Even though I want to talk about it.

At least I know I'm going to be OK physically. One of the benefits of living with two doctors is that you get great free medical advice. Ellie turned on her doctor mode and made sure it was nothing serious. I don't know how she can do that. Her demeanor changes. She is still Ellie. But somehow, she's different. She's not shy about anything and turns clinical. It's a rather full transformation.

Is that how it is for Sarah? Does she turn into an agent like Ellie does into a doctor? Or did she turn into an agent and can't turn it off, like Ellie can? I mean, after she declared me fundamentally healthy, Ellie turned back into my sister and gave me a hug and asked if I needed her to stay home and take care of me. For her, it's like a switch – doctor off, sister on. Even though she's always still Ellie. Has Sarah lost her switch? Or is she always herself? Thinking about this just makes my headache worse.

It's hard to keep a train of thought today. Thinking hurts. This journal feels really random.

It's a relief to just write and not edit. I guess after everything I wrote yesterday (still kicking myself for that), there's just not much of anything left to hide. Not that I guess I was really hiding anything. I mean, I can't record every thought and feeling I have, can I? Who's to say that what I write isn't everything I think about? Or who's to say that what I choose to write about is important?

The plus side of being sick is that I can finally rest. With missions and fake dates and work at the Buy More and gaming with Morgan and everything else going on, I've been running more than a bit ragged. I probably need the sleep more than I would care to admit. I wonder if Casey and Sarah get a chance to rest on days like this. I mean, I know they still have to protect me and watch out for me, but it's not like we're off saving the world or fighting bad guys.


	13. Dec 13

What makes a father good? With Jack (Sarah's father) showing up again, I have to ask myself that question. I can't imagine my dad would meet anyone's definition of a good father. He left us when I was 17, but he wasn't really all that present even before he left. He was always buried in his work or in some new experiment he was working on. He never really raised me.

But I guess I turned out OK. So did Ellie. Maybe the time he spent did matter. If the measure of a father's skill is in the children that he raised, maybe my dad wasn't so bad. I mean, Ellie turned out wonderfully. I've had my issues, but I think I'm a pretty OK guy. Compared to the others I know well, I'm better than OK. Not that Jeff or Morgan had ideal childhoods. Sure, I'm no Captain Awesome, but nobody really is.

Then there's Jack, who apparently raised Sarah to be the consummate con artist. Listening to him talk at dinner the other night revealed so much about Sarah. He taught her more than either of them realize. While she might be on the right side of the law now, at least in some terms, she still is more than able to pull the con, fool the mark, get what she wants, and not become emotionally involved.

"A good con man can leave town whenever he wants." Leaving is the constant theme in Sarah's life, isn't it? It's been a theme in my life, too, now that I think about it. Mom left. Dad left. I worry about Sarah leaving. Though, at least I've had Morgan and Ellie, who have never left me.

I wonder what kind of dad I'd make. I know I wouldn't desert my kids like my dad did. I know I would be with them as they grew up. I know I'd tell them that I love them. But would I be able to raise kids like the Captain? Or even like Ellie? I don't know. A lot would depend on who their mother was. Which I guess is a rather critical first step.

How am I supposed to find a soul mate? Every move I make is watched. Every person I might potentially be interested in becomes an immediate suspect. Just watching Ellie and Awesome or Morgan and Anna, I know how complicated relationships are. And that's without worrying about national security or keeping secrets from each other, under orders or threat of being forcibly separated. How am I supposed to find someone real to be with, forever?

I'm not cut out to be Casey, married to the job and separated from people. It's not who I am. I want to be able to come home at the end of the day and relax with my family – play some games together or watch TV and talk about our days. Help the kids with homework. How do I get there from here?


	14. Dec 14

Even though the Buy More was packed, Morgan and I found some time to hang out and talk for a while. It was a fun conversation. We were discussing which superpower we would like to have. And which superpower some people already seem to have, as well as the name each of us should have.

Morgan is already the Master of Work Avoidance. His skills in that area are already legendary. As a superhero, he could use those skills to indefinitely delay the villains from whatever they have planned. He would simply show up and the villains would cease their attempts to take over the world. They'd simply stop working on their plans. It'd be fantastic.

Jeff was designated as Dr. Inappropriate. His super skill is making people uncomfortable and nervous. Villains are powerless before his wink, which causes either gender to start shuddering uncontrollably. By the time anyone could recover, their scheme would be foiled and the day saved.

Ellie was easy. She's the Caring Comforter. She is more of a support heroine than a main one. She has the ability to make anyone feel better, whether it be a physical injury caused by stopping one too many speeding bullets or an emotional hurt caused by Jeff or mental distress caused by anything. We just couldn't decide on who she would support.

Casey is Captain Grunt or Captain Growl or Captain Scowl. He's clearly a captain and his power to cow people with facial expressions or indeterminate sounds is known both in Buy More and the spy world. His is a nice projectable power that only requires a camera and a video projector. But it's not as strong as others, since it only slows and stuns.

Lester was harder to define. We finally decided on Mr. Niggly. He couldn't stand up to any criminal face-to-face, let alone a supervillain. But, given enough time and access, he would create minor problem after minor problem that would cascade into an overpowering wave which crushes all beneath it.

Devon is obviously Captain Awesome. We made up an Awesome Academy that we said he graduated from. We even discussed what abilities he had when he was just Private Awesome. Now, though, he just overawes his opponents and most of 'em surrender without a fight.

Sarah was the Stunning Siren. OK, it's not really her voice, but we couldn't come up with any other alliteration we liked. It was all about her looks, which he claimed could strike any man dead in his tracks. Add a little flirting and they turn into putty. I couldn't tell him how right he was. I've seen her super powers in action. I am not immune to them, either.

My role was much harder. Morgan kept trying to make me Emperor of the Known Universe or something. I was leaning more towards the guy who can fix anything – kind of the technological equivalent of Ellie's biological skills. I'm just not really sure where I fit in.


	15. Dec 15

I got another verbal commendation from General Beckman today for another successful mission. This one went without a hitch. We were able to simply monitor video feeds and I provided information. The case was straightforward so Sarah and Casey didn't have to go make any of the arrests (I'm sure it was "get to" in their minds, but I'm happier seeing them safely away from gunplay).

The problem with verbal commendations, though, is that they don't really do much for me. Sure, it feels good, but I'm learning to know when a job is well done and when it's a disaster or near-disaster.

I can't spend a verbal commendation. I can't take it to the bank and deposit it. It doesn't help me move out from the soon-to-be newlyweds. It doesn't help buy Christmas presents or donate to charity. It's not that I don't appreciate the gesture. I just wish there was more substance behind it. The words start to feel hollow and meaningless after a while.

Plus, it's not even an award that I can take and show off to my family and friends. If I could just say to them "See! See what I did?" Granted, Ellie would worry and the Captain wouldn't be that impressed. But Morgan would probably wet himself with glee. That would be so much fun. And then I could tell them what I had done. I would feel cool and important for a while.

I'd also have somebody to talk to then. I could brag to somebody who hadn't done it all before. I could talk about how scared I was at other times. Or pass along how cool it was to feel like a real spy and to fool the bad guys or to get away with some scam.

I wonder how Casey and Sarah deal with it. I guess Casey probably just doesn't. He just lives life alone all the time. He's like Chocolate Harry – he has always been lonely. Maybe he's not so lonely now, but he doesn't seem to like the feeling of realizing that he's lonely, to the point where he goes out of his way to try to not understand the opposite feeling.

Sarah isn't like that. She seems to like being appreciated – she knows what it means to talk about issues that matter with people. She may not be any good at it. She may be reticent to do it. But she understands. But it's hard for either of us to crow to the other, since we were both there, usually.

I hope Sarah finds an outlet and learns to share. She's too beautiful a person (and I don't mean physically) to keep it all bottled up and turn into a Casey. That spark of life is still very bright within her. I'm not sure why she doesn't let it show more often, but I see it peeking through occasionally. It's wonderful. She's never as real as she is in those moments.


	16. Dec 16

How is a normal guy supposed to be happy in the world today? Everything seems to be going rapidly going downhill? As WilWheaton said in his blog today "The economy is in the shitter, unemployment is skyrocketing, and it turns out that there are just nine days left until Christmas, which means there are only eight _shopping_ days, provided you're willing to run through the mall with Governor Ahnold and all the other panicked people on Christmas Eve. It is entirely understandable if you just want the whole damn season to be over." I couldn't agree more.

The economic downturn is killing the Buy More. Big Mike was talking about how the day-after-Thanksgiving sales were down 30+ percent. He and Emmitt are supposed to be cooking up some kind of crazy scheme to get us back in the black before the end of the year. But I trust neither their ability to do that, nor their morals when it comes to a method of attempting to do it.

Cause, you see, it's not just the big evils of the world – the diamond stealers, the terrorists, the crazy bombers, the evil spies, the failing fathers, the bad ex-girlfriends – that get me down. It's the weight of all the little evils – raising prices near holidays, driving angry, being forced to write journals which will only get you in trouble, people doing doughnuts in parking lots, using religious to steal people's money. Those are the things that wear a person down. At least, those are the things that wear me down.

I feel like I generally have a good disposition and look on the positive side of life. But I can't even follow Wil's advice for Christmas. He talks about doing things with family, friends, kids. Ellie and Awesome may get the day off, but I feel like a third wheel with them already. Morgan is not exactly the kind of guy to spend Christmas with. And his cynicism about life wears off too easily, turning us both into very unpleasant individuals. I'd hang out with Sarah, but she has her own jobs to do, plus things can get awkward when we're not under cover or working on a mission. Casey is a sentence – spending time with him only makes everything darker and bleaker.

Wil also talks about traveling for Christmas. Multiple problems with that, there, Wesley Crusher. I don't have the Enterprise to get me around. I'm not an accomplished actor and writer, with multiple sources of income. I have a job which requires me to be there nearly every day. We're closed on Christmas, thank goodness, but we're open on Christmas Eve and I think I have to work the 26th, too. Plus, as Casey so often reminds me, bad guys never take a day off.

Maybe that's part of the reason I'm so bummed. Christmas is going to be really short. Even a day of Twilight Zone isn't a real break. It's not long enough.


	17. Dec 17

It snowed last night here in Burbank – actual snow fell from the sky. It basically never happens. I was so excited when Awesome woke me up, even though it was about 4 a.m. You see, we'd agreed a couple years back that we would get snow shovels and if it ever snowed, we would work hard to get things cleared out. Because the city has no equipment and most people don't know what to do.

When we went out into the main apartment complex area, though, it was already partly cleaned off. A large man with a shovel was working on clearing the rest. Awesome and I just got to work on another part.

It was so quiet this morning. I couldn't even hear the traffic going by. I never realized how much snow muffles sound. All I could hear was the scrape-scrape of shovels and my own breathing. It was so peaceful. No wonder people talk about a white Christmas so reverently. The snow really was beautiful and amazing.

As we were finishing up the main area, the other man became clear. It was Casey! I never would have expected it. I was going to say something, but Awesome hit me on the shoulder and zipped his mouth. He was right – working together in the quiet was much more of a bonding experience than I would have thought.

After we finished, Awesome asked Casey "Coffee?" Casey simply nodded. They went in right away while I made a snow angel. I just couldn't resist. I don't get the opportunity very often.

When I went in, all three were enjoying coffee and I had a cup already poured, too. It was wonderful, but we didn't sit long. Awesome and Ellie had to get to the hospital and they knew it would be a long drive. I asked Casey "Buy More?" while indicating our shovels. He nodded.

It was a quiet drive in. And it was kind of long. But it wasn't a weird silence. It was just early, quiet, and different. Maybe that's the way to bond with Casey. It was hard for me, but it seemed to work.

We shoveled a few spots in the parking lot and really worked on the sidewalks for the whole complex. Casey obviously left the spot in front of the Orange Orange for me, so I got to do that myself, which was great. I really felt like I could do something for Sarah. When we were done, Casey gave me a nod. I think it was a nod of respect.

Then, when Sarah got to work, she came into the Buy More right away. I saw her talking to Casey briefly, and he pointed at me. She came over and gave me a big hug (more than a cover hug?) and told me how much she appreciated that I had shoveled snow for her. It's hardly fair to be praised for doing something that so fulfilling on its own.


	18. Dec 18

I think I finally found the perfect present to give to Sarah. It was really hard. I have to get her something, to protect our cover if nothing else. Ellie and Awesome were both asking what I had gotten her. I think Ellie wanted to make sure I got her something appropriate while Awesome almost seemed to be fishing for ideas.

I thought a long time about getting her something that we could talk about and share together – a good set of novels or a handful of my favorite movies or even a bunch of songs to add to her iPod. But she's already been so wonderful about borrowing books I recommend or watching what movies I want to watch. I try to get her to pick, sometimes, on cover dates, but she usually just picks the one I would want to see. I don't know if that's because she enjoys those, too, or if she just knows me well enough to know which I'd like to see.

Plus, it's pretty nerdy and not very romantic to give books or music. I am sure Sarah would act appreciative and might even enjoy getting a present that would help her better understand me. But Ellie would have a hissy fit if I did something like that. So that idea failed.

Next, I thought about trying to get something Sarah very appropriate for her job – her real job, not her cover at the Orange Orange. But what would I know about silencers or knives or holsters? Or even about work-out equipment. I do know quite a bit about electronic surveillance stuff, but I know that the government stuff is almost always superior to stuff I can find at the Buy More. Plus, she has easy access to as much of that kind of stuff as she could possibly want. Any gift of this nature also has the problem of failing the Ellie test.

So I went to Ellie and asked her advice. She told me I should get a diamond ring. She may have been joking, but she may not have been. That would be weird. I mean, it's already weird enough just trying to have a cover romantic relationship. It has its definite perks, because Sarah is so awesome, but being in a cover marriage would be even weirder. I wonder how far that would go – cover kids, cover home? At what point would it cease to become a cover and just become part of life? I wonder how married people feel about their relationship – is it something they think about all the time or is it just part of life?

Anyway, that went nowhere, but the idea of jewelry stuck. Jewelry is good, because it's generally considered romantic. The problem is that it's expensive. When I asked Ellie about giving Sarah mom's charm bracelet, though, she thought the idea was fantastic. Even if I never get it back, at least I'll have given Sarah something real.


	19. Dec 19

I couldn't help myself today. I found a couple rhymes I liked and I just had to write this poem about Sarah. I'm way too embarrassed to share it with Morgan, let alone with her. But I figure I might as well record it somewhere. And this journal is about as safe a spot as I have.

I did have to remove a couple of stanzas, though. I'm guessing only adults read my journal, but I have no idea what the government does. Besides, some things are best kept to oneself.

An Ode to Sarah Walker

The elves speak of the beauty of Luthien,

And Aragorn dreamt of his elf love, Arwen.

But their eternal beauty could ne'er compare

To Sarah Walker, most blessed of mortal women.

Clark Kent pursues the raven hair of Lois Lane,

And Batman the golden tresses of Vicki Vale.

Poor deluded men who do not know

How by Sarah their beauty would pale.

Her hair was spun on the loom of a master

Who works only the finest of gold.

To touch it is the purest of pleasures,

To smell it can never grow old.

For many, ears are a feature ignored

A support for glasses, no more.

Here, though, hearing is not enough,

They are another facet to adore.

Her eyes have depths unseen and unknown,

Contained and sustained in the purest of blues.

To look into them is a danger most divine,

For in them, a man his self must lose.

Her nose, trite though it may sound,

Is stunningly cute and wonderfully perky.

She will sometimes wrinkle it in response –

Its appeal to me is not murky.

Her lips red craters of passion

Succulent, moist, and full

To kiss them is manna from heaven

A pleasure no earthly distraction could dull.

Her smile, though too rare to appear,

An entire city of dark can it brighten.

No matter the burdens you may bear

Seeing it your heart will lighten.

At the bottom of the face a chin

Whether pulled back or pushed in defiance

Brings to the whole composition

A sense of finish and balance.

Each component is an emblem perfect

The standard by which all others are measured.

Together they form a composition

That above all others must be treasured.

Her body is slender and curvy

Yet immensely powerful and nimble.

It is a two-sided threat of destruction

That causes all sighted men to tremble.

The stomach of Sarah seems to hardly exist

'Neath the muscles and tone of her form.

In this world or in any other

Such insane tautness is definitely not the norm.

Her legs are sculpted long and lean,

With lines of beauty both straight and curvy.

Some day I long to caress them in full,

Thought I'm sure 'twould make me quite nervy.

So, while the Smurfs have a special Smurfette,

And Steampunks a wandering Girl Genius.

I'll take my chances with Walker comma Sarah,

Of all the rare diamonds the most precious.


	20. Dec 20

Memo to self – never try to get all three groups of people together to play board games again. Ellie and Awesome are in their own world. They're super-smart, though, so they catch on to the games quickly, at least. Casey catches on quickly, too, but he doesn't care about winning – he just seems intent on making certain player's life hell, which really limits the games I can choose. Sarah, of course, fits in with any group. And Morgan is finally "potty-trained" enough that he works out OK. Anna would be fine if she could contain her completely illogical jealousy of my sister. Even when she's mad at Morgan, she takes every comment to Ellie as a personal affront. It'd be funnier if Morgan didn't feed her so many reasons. Jeff and Lester, on the other hand, are just working inappropriateness. They can't seem to open their mouths without sticking their feet in. Sometimes it's comical, but it can get old very fast.

Anyway, I was trying to get people together to play some old, great games before they might get replaced with new ones on Christmas. We started with a game of Wits and Wagers, so we could all play together. We all like that one, because everybody (well, except Jeff) has a reasonable chance of winning. Then, with nine of us, we broke up into two groups for a while. I'm happy to play anything, so I just went where Sarah went.

So I ended up playing Cartagena and then Power Grid with her, Ellie, and Morgan who is still trying to get into Anna's good graces. The rest played "Busen Memo" over and over and over again. I'd like to get Lester's copy of that and burn it. I mean, it's just memory with weird pictures. Why do that when the real thing is so close and so much more appealing?

The children, as Ellie calls them, even Devon, talked us into some XXXenophile, too. We all have our own decks, of course, and it's been fun to see cards make the rounds. But it's hardly a favorite of mine.

Once the Buy More crew left to go drinking (apparently the 2 24-packs of beer weren't enough) and Casey to … I dunno, polish his gun, we actually had more fun. It's so natural to just sit around with Sarah, Awesome, and Ellie. We played St. Petersburg a couple times, some Carcassonne, and even a round of Agricola. It was perfect.

I could so easily see myself doing this kind of thing with Sarah and my family for the rest of my life. I'd want a better job, of course. And I could do without the imminent danger to my life on a weekly basis. But quiet moments like today are so wonderful. I often wish they could just last forever. But would it be enough for Sarah? Would she be satisfied or is it too boring for her? I wish I really knew.


	21. Dec 21

Wow, it's been quite a while since I've had a flash or we've had a mission. It's really nice. I need the break. I hope that means the fulcrum guys are staying well away from here. Maybe LA is getting a reputation as a bad place to do business if you're a bad guy. Team Bartowski hasn't done too badly.

I can't decide exactly how I feel about not having missions. On the one hand, I hate the feeling of terror when my life or any of my friends' life is in danger. But I like making the world a better place to live. The feeling of accomplishment at the end of a mission really is rewarding, even though I can't really share it.

These times without missions are great to rest. But I still work at Buy More. And that job just doesn't satisfy me any more. I don't think it ever did, really. It was just a place to go and something to do – a sop to my conscience while I dealt with all the other issue in my life. Now, though, even when I'm there, I'm thinking about other things.

And then there's the fact that no missions means cover dates with Sarah are just that – actual dates together, just the two of us instead of covers for missions. That is wonderful in one respect, because we have time to bond and I can just focus on her; and I think she focuses on me. But it's also terrible, because I have nothing to distract me from her. And I told her I just wanted to be friends – the first lie I've told her that she believed.

So it's torture of sorts, being on cover dates with Sarah. I want it to be so much more than cover, but it can't be. It can't be.

On the plus side, I'm not nearly so tired on these days without missions. I'm able to do my job at Buy More and still have time and energy to hang out with Ellie and make up for my absences with Morgan. It's a time to recharge and I definitely need some of that –a lot of that.

But time inexorably leads to questions – questions about my future, about my present, and even about my past. I don't have answers to those questions. And the people who do aren't inclined to share them with me. I can make all the plans I want, but without cooperation from the government and one agent in particular, they're just swimming upstream.

Plus, no missions and no activity leaves me little to write about in my journal, so I have to stretch to reach 500 words. At least I'm two-thirds of the way done, more or less, with my month. I wonder what the shrinks are making of all this. I can't imagine it's good, but, like so many things, it is what it is and I can't really change it.


	22. Dec 22

Can I really give mom's charm bracelet to Sarah? What message is that going to send? I mean, I want to give her something real, but our relationship is so complicated.

As a cover gift, it's perfect. It's exactly what I would give a real girlfriend at this point in our relationship. Ellie is ecstatic, saying that our parents would be delighted that I'd found someone special enough to give that bracelet to.

And it is beautiful. And it will look so wonderful on Sarah. But what message is it sending to her? Since we agreed to keep consideration of any kind of a real relationship off the table, we've grown to be such good friends. I lean on her and I really think she leans on me and trusts me. She maybe trusts me more than she's ever trusted anyone in her life, which is an enormous responsibility, but which makes me grin from ear to ear.

The thing is, am I abrogating her trust in me by giving her something real? Am I denying what I said before, about how we both know we can't have any kind of a real future? I want a real future with her. So, as a real gift, it's appropriate, too. Even if we don't have a future together, the time we have had is worth so much more than that bracelet, at least to me. I'm happy to give it to her.

But is it going to tie her into emotional knots? Every time it seems we may reach some level of emotional connection, Sarah fights me. She doesn't want to emotionally connect. I don't want to give her something for Christmas which is going to make her unhappy or worried.

Wouldn't it be fantastic if she just accepted the gift? That she would acknowledge what it means, on all the weird levels of our relationship, and treasure it? That would make all this decision-making agony all worthwhile. And it could happen. She's slowly starting to open up to me. We've bonded over our fathers and other things.

But we're bonding as friends. Very good friends. But not as boyfriend/girlfriend, necessarily. I've heard people say that the best romantic relationships start as friendships. We certainly still have chemistry. Or, at least, I think we do. I'm hardly an expert. It could just be that we have this cover romantic relationship to maintain.

It's too late to get something else. Ellie will look for the bracelet. I just hope that Sarah will understand what all it means. And what it doesn't mean. I don't expect romance from her. I can hope and dream and wish, but I don't expect.

When she opens it, I'll watch very carefully and then just pick my words carefully afterwards. It would be nice to give it to her someplace private. I guess if she won't cover over on Christmas, I'll just give it to her at work. And be ready to tell her what it means.


	23. Dec 23

I have a degree from Stanford. For so long I thought about how my life would be different if I just would have been able to finish up my time there. But now that I have my degree, what have I done with it? Nothing. What can I do with it? I just don't know.

I've though about trying to find another job, of course. But the realities of mission life means that whatever job I found would have to be one where I could leave any time I like, for random periods of time. Plus, I would have to be able to work whenever my schedule allowed, not whenever the company wanted there. That's a nearly impossible bill to fill.

Plus, there's the need for 24-hour surveillance. That's pretty easy at the Buy More, with Casey working there and Sarah practically next door. The CIA put a lot of money into building the castle below the Orange Orange and connecting it to Buy More in a variety of ways. They're not going to be happy with that investment not paying off, if I were to try to leave my job.

So, I have a degree from a prestigious university, and it does me no good. I suppose I could try grad school – I mean, I thought about it some when I was at Stanford. And you can take some graduate courses from home. But I'm already plenty old to be entering the engineering field from retail sales. Spending 10 years in part-time grad school doesn't exactly sound like the best way to remedy that situation.

I was semi-serious when I told Ellie I might want to be a secret agent. I look at Casey and Sarah and see some things that appeal and some things that make my skin crawl. The sense of aloneness and the necessity, most of the time, of never letting anybody know you… that would be an awfully large adjustment for me to take. And if I'm tired of not having control over my future now, how would it be if I were actually an agent? They know they have no control over their future – they just follow orders. And go where they're told.

Still, if that were the only way to have any say over my future, or if that were the only way to stay together with my family and friends, could I do it? Would I be able to make the sacrifice to live that kind of a life? Even if I could, would the government want me?

It doesn't matter. You just have to give up too much of yourself to be an agent like Sarah or Casey. I couldn't do it. "Acceptable casualties" is a term Casey uses too often. I just don't believe there is such a thing. But I doubt that attitude would be conducive to long-term survival – not if I were to try to become a secret agent. So I guess that's out.


	24. Dec 24

I can't believe Sarah did that. How could she do that? How could she shoot that guy when he had surrendered and was ready to be taken in? And then she came in all calm and collected and told me that he was going to a secure CIA facility.

I've heard those words before – 'secure CIA facility'. I always thought they meant some kind of underground bunker like where Lazlo was, or where I always worry I'm going to end up. Has she meant a coffin in the ground every time she's told me about a secure CIA facility? Have we left a trail of bodies behind us every time somebody has gotten close to me?

How could she just do that, though? I mean, I knew she has killed people before. I've flashed on at least two different instances. One was clearly self-defense and she told me the other one was, too. I believed her. Was I a fool to have believed her? Is she just a cold-blooded killer?

I can't believe that about her. I just can't. There has to be some reason she shot him, other than that he's a fulcrum agent. I don't know what it is. I don't know what it could be. But, if I'm going to be able to work with her and Casey again (Casey surely has to know, doesn't he?), I have to believe that there was some other reason.

Because if there's no reason for her to have done that, then what makes us the good guys? Sarah seems like such a good person. Even Casey, beneath that gruff and ugly exterior, and beneath an angry core, has good qualities. He genuinely seems to like helping people. Sarah, too, as I learn more about her, appears to be really concerned about helping people.

Or am I underestimating them? Is this all part of some elaborate plot to get me to believe they're good and right? But with what purpose? The powers behind Sarah and Casey could have easily just grabbed me and made me do what they want without worrying about trying to let me keep my own distorted view of a normal life going. It's well within their abilities. And I'm not egotistical enough to believe that they need me for me and not for the intersect.

So I have to conclude that they are the good guys. Bryce told me that fulcrum is made up of cold-blooded killers who will do anything and that we have to be the same to fight against them. I didn't believe him now. I still don't. There has to be another way. Maybe Sarah can't see that right now. But I have taught her other things. I'll teach her that, too.

I wish I could just believe I am reading too much into this. Maybe last night was an isolated incident. Maybe they don't kill everyone and there really is a secure CIA facility. I wish I really believed that.


	25. Dec 25

Merry Christmas! Vrolijke Kerstmis! Joyeux Noël! Frohe Weihnachten! Buon Natale! Feliz Navidad! 圣诞快乐! Χαρούμενα Χριστούγεννα! 즐거운 성탄!

Merry Christmas! Vrolijke Kerstmis! Joyeux Noël! Frohe Weihnachten! Buon Natale! Feliz Navidad! 圣诞快乐! Χαρούμενα Χριστούγεννα! 즐거운 성탄!

Merry Christmas! Vrolijke Kerstmis! Joyeux Noël! Frohe Weihnachten! Buon Natale! Feliz Navidad! 圣诞快乐! Χαρούμενα Χριστούγεννα! 즐거운 성탄!

Merry Christmas! Vrolijke Kerstmis! Joyeux Noël! Frohe Weihnachten! Buon Natale! Feliz Navidad! 圣诞快乐! Χαρούμενα Χριστούγεννα! 즐거운 성탄!

Merry Christmas! Vrolijke Kerstmis! Joyeux Noël! Frohe Weihnachten! Buon Natale! Feliz Navidad! 圣诞快乐! Χαρούμενα Χριστούγεννα! 즐거운 성탄!

Merry Christmas! Vrolijke Kerstmis! Joyeux Noël! Frohe Weihnachten! Buon Natale! Feliz Navidad! 圣诞快乐! Χαρούμενα Χριστούγεννα! 즐거운 성탄!

Merry Christmas! Vrolijke Kerstmis! Joyeux Noël! Frohe Weihnachten! Buon Natale! Feliz Navidad! 圣诞快乐! Χαρούμενα Χριστούγεννα! 즐거운 성탄!

Merry Christmas! Vrolijke Kerstmis! Joyeux Noël! Frohe Weihnachten! Buon Natale! Feliz Navidad! 圣诞快乐! Χαρούμενα Χριστούγεννα! 즐거운 성탄!

Merry Christmas! Vrolijke Kerstmis! Joyeux Noël! Frohe Weihnachten! Buon Natale! Feliz Navidad! 圣诞快乐! Χαρούμενα Χριστούγεννα! 즐거운 성탄!

Merry Christmas! Vrolijke Kerstmis! Joyeux Noël! Frohe Weihnachten! Buon Natale! Feliz Navidad! 圣诞快乐! Χαρούμενα Χριστούγεννα! 즐거운 성탄!

Merry Christmas! Vrolijke Kerstmis! Joyeux Noël! Frohe Weihnachten! Buon Natale! Feliz Navidad! 圣诞快乐! Χαρούμενα Χριστούγεννα! 즐거운 성탄!

Merry Christmas! Vrolijke Kerstmis! Joyeux Noël! Frohe Weihnachten! Buon Natale! Feliz Navidad! 圣诞快乐! Χαρούμενα Χριστούγεννα! 즐거운 성탄!

Merry Christmas! Vrolijke Kerstmis! Joyeux Noël! Frohe Weihnachten! Buon Natale! Feliz Navidad! 圣诞快乐! Χαρούμενα Χριστούγεννα! 즐거운 성탄!

Merry Christmas! Vrolijke Kerstmis! Joyeux Noël! Frohe Weihnachten! Buon Natale! Feliz Navidad! 圣诞快乐! Χαρούμενα Χριστούγεννα! 즐거운 성탄!

Merry Christmas! Vrolijke Kerstmis! Joyeux Noël! Frohe Weihnachten! Buon Natale! Feliz Navidad! 圣诞快乐! Χαρούμενα Χριστούγεννα! 즐거운 성탄!

Merry Christmas! Vrolijke Kerstmis! Joyeux Noël! Frohe Weihnachten! Buon Natale! Feliz Navidad! 圣诞快乐! Χαρούμενα Χριστούγεννα! 즐거운 성탄!

Merry Christmas! Vrolijke Kerstmis! Joyeux Noël! Frohe Weihnachten! Buon Natale! Feliz Navidad! 圣诞快乐! Χαρούμενα Χριστούγεννα! 즐거운 성탄!

Merry Christmas! Vrolijke Kerstmis! Joyeux Noël! Frohe Weihnachten! Buon Natale! Feliz Navidad! 圣诞快乐! Χαρούμενα Χριστούγεννα! 즐거운 성탄!

Merry Christmas! Vrolijke Kerstmis! Joyeux Noël! Frohe Weihnachten! Buon Natale! Feliz Navidad! 圣诞快乐! Χαρούμενα Χριστούγεννα! 즐거운 성탄!

Merry Christmas! Vrolijke Kerstmis! Joyeux Noël! Frohe Weihnachten! Buon Natale! Feliz Navidad! 圣诞快乐! Χαρούμενα Χριστούγεννα! 즐거운 성탄!

Merry Christmas! Vrolijke Kerstmis! Joyeux Noël! Frohe Weihnachten! Buon Natale! Feliz Navidad! 圣诞快乐! Χαρούμενα Χριστούγεννα! 즐거운 성탄!

Merry Christmas! Vrolijke Kerstmis! Joyeux Noël! Frohe Weihnachten! Buon Natale! Feliz Navidad! 圣诞快乐! Χαρούμενα Χριστούγεννα! 즐거운 성탄!

Merry Christmas! Vrolijke Kerstmis! Joyeux Noël! Frohe Weihnachten! Buon Natale! Feliz Navidad! 圣诞快乐! Χαρούμενα Χριστούγεννα! 즐거운 성탄!

Merry Christmas! Vrolijke Kerstmis! Joyeux Noël! Frohe Weihnachten! Buon Natale! Feliz Navidad! 圣诞快乐! Χαρούμενα Χριστούγεννα! 즐거운 성탄!

Merry Christmas! Vrolijke Kerstmis! Joyeux Noël! Frohe Weihnachten! Buon Natale! Feliz Navidad! 圣诞快乐! Χαρούμενα Χριστούγεννα! 즐거운 성탄!

Merry Christmas! Vrolijke Kerstmis! Joyeux Noël! Frohe Weihnachten! Buon Natale! Feliz Navidad! 圣诞快乐! Χαρούμενα Χριστούγεννα! 즐거운 성탄!

In any language, Merry Christmas! :)


	26. Dec 26

The Twilight Zone marathon day went wonderfully yesterday. We all had a blast. OK, it may not be the typical Christmas, but it's ours. And Sarah fit in beautifully.

I still can't get the image of her standing with a smoking gun out of my head, though. I am trying to find a way to accept it – a way to deal with it. It's hard to do, but I imagine she had to have had a reason – a good reason.

The last thing she'd said to me before leaving the Buy More was that she would protect me, never let anyone hurt me. Mauser was a threat to me. I mean, he knew that I am the intersect and that information is pretty closely guarded. Mauser isn't the first fulcrum agent to ask about Bryce Larkin. If their resources are tied up in searching for Bryce, I suppose that's less danger for me and my family.

But Mauser knew. He knew I was the intersect. He knew they didn't have to go after Bryce anymore. Even inside a secure CIA facility, would that information leak out? If fulcrum has agents on the inside, might one of them eventually talk to Mauser? Or hear about him telling everyone that Chuck Bartowski is the intersect?

Seriously, if Mauser made it his mission, even inside a secure facility, to spread information, could it be stopped? I don't know. Sometimes the powers of the CIA and NSA seem almost magical. And sometimes they seem to be impotent about things. I have to guess that, eventually, that news would get out, if Mauser kept trying.

And if that news got out, that would be the end of my life, wouldn't it? Whether it would literally mean death or imprisonment by either fulcrum or our government, I don't know, but my life, as I know it, would definitely end. That's a scary thought.

Is that what Sarah was saving me from? Did she know that? Did she pull that trigger, possibly at great cost to herself, to save me? To protect me? She probably put all this together faster than I did. So, she did what she said she would do – she protected me.

And lying? Was that also for my protection? Probably, in her mind. She knows how much I hate killing and thinking about death. She's trying to shield me from the ugly side of her job and the reality of my situation, isn't she?

Because, now, what worries me is that I'm the direct reason that Sarah had to kill someone. And shoulder the deception burden of keeping things from me. I have to be stronger than that. Sarah shouldn't have to bear that burden alone. She already bears too many things alone.

Or should I just give up and protect Sarah from that ugliness by volunteering to go into protective safe-keeping? Or would the pain of separation be real for her and the best thing to do for her is to let her protect me, even from the ugliness she has to do on my behalf? No wonder she always says things are complicated. This is making my head hurt.

But I need to understand. I need to find a way to make sense of this. It wasn't senseless killing. I believe that now. I know that now. It was killing to protect me. I always knew, intellectually, that was part of the job. I guess it just wasn't a part I expected to ever see or have to deal with, personally. How naïve of me. I probably have no idea how lucky I've been so far.

The problem is, that image is still burned in my brain. And it still hurts.


	27. Dec 27

Ellie got me two new books on how to build a successful life and how to prepare and plan your present to make your future better. That coincided with a talk from Captain Awesome on how perfect his year had been and how he'd worked and planned to make it that way.

Ellie means well; she really does. She's just looking out for me, I know. If I think it's confusing being me, it has to be that much worse to be watching and not knowing what all I am doing. She just sees the Buy More and Morgan and has very logical and reasonable doubts about my life's direction.

I have those questions and issues, too. So I guess maybe the life-help books are what I need. Reading them hasn't really provided a lot of new insight. I mean, if you've read one or two of those kinds of books, extrapolating out to what they all say is pretty straightforward. One thing that did pique my interest, though, was the statement "You can't plan to get where you're going if you don't know where you want to be."

That's made me ask myself, where do I want to be in five years? What are the 3 – 5 things I would like to have accomplished or life situations I would like to see myself surrounded with? I've been thinking about that most of the day. I have a few answers. First, I would like to be in a serious romantic relationship. Second, I want to have found a good career. Third, I want to sleep soundly and peacefully at night. If those three things are in order, I think the rest will fill in nicely.

The relationship doesn't have to be too far developed necessarily. It doesn't have to be engagement or marriage. But it does have to be real – with someone I can trust and believe. The relationship has to have a future, or, at least, the reasonable and realistic expectation of a future. I'm not expecting the perfect relationship or no difficulties – I just want real.

The Buy More is not a career. I'm not sure even being manager at the Buy More would fulfill my definition of a vocation. Work will never be something that completely consumes my life, like it does for so many. But it should be fulfilling, pay the bills, and, well, since I live in California, it should change the world for the better.

Sleeping at night was something I used to always take for granted. I used to always fall asleep the instant I lay down and didn't wake up until the alarm disturbed me. I had the occasional nightmare, of course, but sleeping was straightforward. Things got harder when the intersect came along. Since a couple nights ago, though, and the horror I witnessed firsthand, it's been really difficult. I've started coming to grips with it, but it's not easy. That's not something I feel like I can do every day. I can't do that and consider myself a success.

That's three goals. They don't fit the standard definitions of course. But one of the most-frequently stressed points in both books is that every person defines success differently. That's OK and encouraged. If I mold myself to someone else's definition of success, I'm just a dressed-up failure. I do deserve to be a success. I want to be a success.

The next step is to discover my obstacles and work on solutions to those obstacles. I'll think about that tomorrow.


	28. Dec 28

The next thing the books recommended was to identify the obstacles to reaching my goals and then figure out how to bypass those obstacles or neutralize them, so that my goals can be successfully reached. Showing how little they really know, the books' experts say that identifying the obstacles is usually the difficult part, while resolving them once identified is usually straightforward. It takes effort, but it's easy to correctly direct that effort once obstacles are identified. Ha!

The two biggest, most obvious obstacles in my life are the intersect and Sarah. But they're not going to be easy to resolve once identified. Since I had three goals, I'll balance it out with three obstacles and list Morgan, too. He's not an obstacle on the same scope as the other two, but he does complicate things.

I am who I am and I know what I know. I'm a constant target. I'm in constant danger. How am I supposed to eliminate that obstacle or turn that obstacle into a strength? Everywhere I go and everything I do is influenced by powerful organizations. Unless I can remove information from my head, which seems unlikely, that's never going to change. That means I have to find a way to fit being who I am into my goals, but being under constant surveillance and danger is mutually exclusive with a good night's sleep, not to mention careers and love. Unless I could somehow learn to deal with that and become immune to it, it's a problem. But that seems dangerous, too – I don't want to become Casey.

Viewing Sarah as an obstacle is uncomfortable, but it's true. As long as we're in our kind of real but kind of not really real relationship, finding a deep relationship is going to be hard. I can easily imagine myself having a real relationship with her, the person, but our respective roles are then nearly-insurmountable obstacles. As long as she is my CIA handler, a real relationship is almost impossible. And removing her from that role would change who she is (and probably separate us). So that means it'd be with somebody else, but I can't imagine leaving Sarah and I don't think she would really let me find a new relationship. And how could I develop a relationship with a normal person? I would have to lie all the time. And a relationship with a spy is basically impossible. There has to be a way, I'm sure, but the only one that is acceptable is seeing Sarah in that role. But does she want that role? What would it mean? The obstacle is easy to see; the solution isn't.

Finally, there's Morgan. He just tags along behind me in so many ways. He's probably a biggest obstacle to a vocation – when I talked about leaving the Buy More, he asked "Where would we go?" I don't want to solve a two-body problem for a job, at least not with Morgan. He's a great friend and I want to continue to spend time playing with him, but I don't want to let him hold me back. I'm pretty sure I can prevent that, though. I know who and what he is and how to handle that.

So I've identified my obstacles, I think, and I'm no closer to a solution. I know everybody thinks their own obstacles are larger and more complex than the average, but I've never seen any book or real-life situation deal with issues like these. Maybe my imagination is too small.

Really, though, resolving things with Sarah would resolve so much. Either I'd be in a relationship with a future or I'd be truly free to pursue one. Neither has been the case since that first weird date with her, when I found out she was CIA. That's the primary obstacle to be dealt with. If I were smart, I'd pursue that first. I'm just not quite sure how to go about it. Direct doesn't work well with Sarah. I guess persistence is the key – she sure seemed excited about the bracelet. Maybe that relationship will become real. I sure hope so.


	29. Dec 29

I've been thinking about my five-year plan and how nice it would be to have it appear at the bottom of a TV screen, as where I'll be in five years, without worrying about how I get there, like they do at the end of movies sometimes. That got me thinking about where everybody else around me might be in five years. It was rather fun.

Ellie and Devon will be married, of course. They'll have a barely two-year-old and Ellie will have just told everybody that she's pregnant again. Their children will be awesome, of course. They will have moved to a house with a yard, so that the kids will have a better place to play. They will both still be saving lives on a regular basis and Devon will be the most sought-after heart surgeon on the west coast, probably.

Jeff will still be working at Buy More. He's been there forever. He has no ambition or extra abilities. He just won't do much of anything else. And he has just enough skills that they won't fire him – probably not, anyway.

Lester, on the other hand, thinks himself extremely smart and is occasionally motivated. He's gotten away with a few things in his life. He's going to be in jail in five years for something really stupid. He'll have convinced himself that he really needs money and he'll get way ahead of himself and try to rob a bank or something. It's also possible he'll be running his own failing business, I guess, if he can focus a bit more.

Morgan will also probably still be at Buy More and living in his mother's basement. He might get fired from Buymoria, but he'll find some other minimum-wage job where he can continue to exist and scrape by. I don't think his relationship with Anna will last, but I didn't think it would ever start or get this far, so what do I know?

Anna can do all kinds of things. She's too good to stay at Buy More. She'll be working for some hot-shot computer technology firm. She'll outgrow her rebellion against her parents and find something that makes her happy. She's hard to predict, but she won't be around forever and when she makes up her mind to move on, Morgan won't be able to keep up, even if he tries.

Big Mike will be managing some store. He doesn't have the motivation or skills to move too far up the corporate chain, Peter Principle or not. He might still be at the Buy More. But it's just as likely he'll be at LargeMart or some other random store in the area.

Casey will still be with the NSA. He might still be guarding me or he might have moved on to bigger and better things. I wouldn't be too surprised, though, if this is one of his last active missions. It seems like he's about ready to direct and guide larger missions. I'm not sure he'll enjoy that, but he has the mind for it and he seems to be gaining the other skills necessary to lead, not just do.

Sarah is very hard to predict. She's the only other one who seems as lost as I often feel. She lives very much for the moment. I think her past was bad enough that she doesn't dwell on either the future or the past much. That's healthy, I guess, but it makes planning very difficult to do. She can do anything. She could be leading the CIA. Or she could quit and do anything else she wants. I'm not sure I can see her as a soccer mom living in a house with a picket fence, but she might want that. It's hard for me to tell what she wants because I don't think she really knows what she wants, either.

I would like to believe we would both be happier if her future and my future overlapped significantly. I would like that. Sarah is harder to tell – sometimes I think she wants that but sometimes I think she's scared of it. And sometimes she just wants to be an agent who's not tied down. But our futures seem to be intertwined for a while yet and that increases the likelihood they'll be together longer. We can work out how that looks, exactly, mutually. That would be nice.


	30. Dec 30

I hate writing New Year's resolutions. Ellie expects everybody to make one every year and every year it drives me crazy. As Dad used to say, "It's hard to be humble when you're perfect in every way." OK, he used to sing it, but I use the term 'sing' in the loosest possible sense.

That's not my problem. I know I'm not perfect. But I have no idea which flaw I should try to address at this particular point in time. Or to which part of my life I should focus on. Spy life? Romantic life? Buy More life? I feel like I'm being pulled in so many directions that it's hard to make energy to focus onto any one aspect.

Ellie's resolution is to eat healthier. She already eats so little junk food that I don't know how she makes it from one day to the next. It will mean even less salt and fat in her cooking. Her cooking is so fantastic that it won't matter. So I'll eat a small portion of my meals healthier, but I love going out and my junk food too much to successfully make a resolution like that. I need something else.

I know Ellie would like to see me spend less time playing games with Morgan. But I refuse to give up that time. That's one of very few times where I can almost fully relax and be myself. Morgan is so non-judgmental that he makes a safe outlet. Even then, though, I have to be careful about talking too much about Sarah or being around actual guns or whatever. But it's close to full relaxation. I am not going to give that up.

Sarah would probably have me resolve to work out more. I can't imagine my doughy physique is particularly attractive. It certainly doesn't compare to her amazing body, but, then again, nothing ever does. If that were my goal, I'd never get started. Maybe, though, if I were in better shape again, I wouldn't have to always stay in the car. I'm not sure when I would work work-outs into my schedule, but it's an interesting idea, at least.

Casey would probably tell me to get basic weapons training. Again, knowing how to shoot a gun might be a very handy skill to have in certain situations. I don't know how I'd justify that to Ellie, though. I could maybe pass it off as a gaming thing, if I could get Morgan to join me, but I never want to have to shoot a gun. I just don't think I can resolve to learn how to shoot.

Maybe I should just resolve to stay in the car. Or listen to what Sarah tells me to do in general. I just can't leave her to face danger alone, though. It may be smarter and it almost certainly is generally safer (even though it's not really ever safe in the car either), but it's just not who I am. I can't change that. I think, on some level, too, Sarah is touched that I care so deeply about her that I'm willing to risk my own life, even though it drives her crazy.

My best resolution might be to continue being me. I am who I am and I'm finally feeling good about who I am. Part of that is Sarah but part of that is seeing what all I can accomplish. Sarah told me "You can do anything. I've seen you in action." I'm starting to believe her. Maybe that should be my resolution – believe in myself as much as others believe in me. I like that. I resolve to believe in myself.


	31. Dec 31

Well, this is the last day I have to write a journal entry. It's been an interesting 31 days. I have written far more stuff in here than I ever thought I was going to, but it's been a real relief to tell somebody (even if it's just a computer or nameless shrinks sitting in a government office) everything that's on my mind.

I don't think I'm crazy – at least not any crazier than most everybody else. I'm sure that I've said some crazy things. Then again, everybody has crazy thoughts – or at least everybody I know, except maybe Captain Awesome. A little crazy is good for the soul, or so Morgan tells me.

I know my life isn't perfect and it never will be. Yes, things have gotten a lot more complicated in the last 15 months, but I wouldn't change a thing. I've found a wonderful woman that I hope to spend my life with. But even if that doesn't work out, I have confidence that I could find someone half as good, who would still be a crown jewel among people.

Working on all these odd missions and under such extreme circumstances has proven to me that I can do lots of things I didn't realize I could do. I can save people from death; I can face death (while screaming like a girl, but I can do it); I can face life. It's a very powerful position – so much better than where I was before I got the intersect.

I may not know where I'll be in five years. But, realistically, nobody knows where they're going to be tomorrow, let alone in five years. Tragic and wonderful things happen all the time. All that any of us can do is make the best of what life hands us.

For so long – too long – I cursed my life because of a small set of circumstances and actions that got me kicked out of school. I stopped living. That was stupid. Now that I see how those events partially fit into a larger pattern, I know that it wasn't my fault, but I wasted far too much time thinking it was, without trying to move forward.

I'm moving forward now. Yes, sometimes it seems like every time I take a step forward, events conspire to show me something horrifying or return an unpleasant memory and drive me two steps backwards. But life or fate or whatever you want to call it is not going to stop sending things my way simply because I wish it or because I am not moving forward. If I stop striving, then life will just push me around wherever it wants.

I'm going to keep trying. I'm going to try to get Sarah to see me as a real boyfriend. I'm going to try to find a way to handle all the implications of having the intersect in my head. I will find a way to make the most of every situation. Everything's coming up Bartowski. Or, if it's not, it's going to be close enough.

So, thanks for listening and reading, faceless shrinks out there. Thanks for being a place for me to work through things in written form and to have somebody listening. I just ask that you not judge me or those around me too harshly. I know I don't see everybody as they are, including myself, so don't read too much into my words. I just know that, with time and patience, everything will work out.

_

* * *

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A/N: There it is – 31 entries in 31 days. What do you think of the exercise as a whole? Best/worst characterization or days? BTW, psych evaluation will be several days before posting.


End file.
